This year on International Women’s day I wanted to drop a bombshell. Love me hate me, it’s the truth. My prayer for Kenyan women today is to come out of their shells, put an end to oppression and stand for each other through acceptance, forgiveness and assistance. Only through this can we begin to live again and educate the future generation - change we must.
We are oppressed by our culture, religion, bad habits and as some might choose to name it our low morals. We are imperfect, let any man who isn’t caste the first stone to the women I brand ‘hidden wives or partners’.
I have been one and I know many who are or other who will be tomorrow. It is not a nice place to be, trust me its not. It is time to come out of our closets, now, today, not when he kicks the bucket. Stop the abuse of public denial. Being a “hidden wife” is not our shame, it is for our men who are not men enough to accept the one he is with if not before the public before the Gods.
Whether it is right or wrong is for another day and it’s a matter of opinion, belief, if not circumstances. From my “hidden wife” status came two lovely children and I will never call them mistakes. My relationship was based on a lie like many others having said that I confirm there were great moments and sad moments. That’s life! I made noise, fought, forgave, accepted and also did what most do hold it all together but I cannot and will not live a lie. I can’t. I tried, but it isn’t worth it.
There is a name for the trend that leads to “hidden wives” its called Polygamy. In Islam polygamy is permitted, for good reason and in good form, but even there exists many “hidden wives” as the religion is abused. So we are not perfect, I would much rather accept that than pretend to be perfect.
Most ‘first wives’ blame the woman or women ‘the hidden wives’ but the blame lies with everyone in the equation and its time to face the reality that our men are polygamous or suffer from acute infidelity. To deny a practiced lifestyle is not the solution nor is it honest, nor does it earn one the respect they think they get. On the contrary it is a journey from role model, a laughing stock, news of the week etc.
Being the “hidden wife” or the mistress or the home breaker or the morally low woman, the opportunistic lover, gold digger etc whatever name you give it is a societal fact of life in Kenya. It takes two to tango so let us stop always blaming the other woman. True their many women out there looking for a relationship but they don’t drag these men or hold them at gun point. Men genetically it has been said are polygamous so multiple women is part of their lives even more when they taste success, money and power. This was the trend before we were born and most likely will be the trend after we die, so let us not live a lie and accept that we have all watered the polygamous tree by our silence and so we must eat the fruits.
Does this mean that I am encouraging women to enter into polygamous relations, hell no; I pray everyday that my daughter and son avoid it like the plague. But who knows life is like a pebble you can try to throw it far out away from the sea but it lands on water it will be unrealistic to think you can avoid the ripples.
To the father of my children I say, I don’t do this to hurt you and let this not be your shame. To his wife I say I know and feel your pain. This is not your shame either. Neither is it mine. Both your parents were polygamous, I am sure the wife prayed it would never happen to her and the husband felt it was a birth right. I came along and now we all pretend I don’t exist. Ultimately it’s the children who pay the price on both sides because they don’t relate till late, they hate what is unknown and here is where innocence is robbed. Why? I think it’s about the money. Every time I meet a new friend of my children I wish it was their sister or brother becoming a friend and not being seen as the ones who stole or steal daddies’ time.
I believe running one house is in itself stressful so I can’t begin to define the nervous and emotional breakdown of having to run more then one, on top of having to keep it all a secret. I know it is hard even if I am not a man but I think living a lie and abandoning and or denying your own children is harder. I liken it to a living hell and a health hazard. It robs you of your mental peace and destroys your ability to excel as you are bogged down by the weight of the lies, guilt and stress. These are rocks that one must throw away. The only way is to accept your life, leave the woman or women if you must to make amends but never walk away from the children surely the first wife should be able to understand?
Its time for our men to carry their cross, as not to do so is a shame and the price too big for the children to pay for a ‘lifestyle’ for lack of a better word.
I have been told in the real world people are not honest, so I test the waters with real honesty in a fake world. That’s my relationship journey, will I meet you at the intersection will you be like me, a have been “hidden wife” or a stuck in and waiting to be legitimised “hidden wife” or the angry victim “first wife”?
